Wednesday, 18 January 2017

The One With AAAAALLLLLLLL The Pictures (34 months + 7 days)

Ok, so AS PROMISED here are two million and nine photos from when Piggly and I went exploring at the weekend. We had planned (by we, I obviously mean I) to look round more things but we'd been up v. v. v. early (2am....) revising/causing chaos (Piglet drew on my new copy of Animal Farm. I had bought it less than 24 hours before), and needed to be back in time for afternoon naps:


9am: Cheeky breakfast (breakfast is the best meal of the day, eggs for days xxxxxxx also I have no idea what has happened to my face here, I swear I have a normal shaped head)

11am: Post-metro arrival at Cullercoats/ Aquarium visit (look how pretty it is I am 2000000% going to live here)

Turtle that was surprisingly speedy for the camera:

Silver fish which may or may not be dead:

Starfish ("Mummy, look! Star!")

Bloody petrifying flat fish:

Piglet examining the bloody petrifying flat fish:

Is this real or is this fake I have no idea:

Aquarium selfie (p.s. I'm not ill, I had just ran out of fake tan. FEAR NOT I HAVE ACQUIRED SOME MORE!):


Gross worm fish:

More anemonemonomenamenes:

What I can only guess is a starfish being eaten by an anemonemonomenamene:

Otters ("Mummy, look! Cats!"):


Degus......(yes. In the aquarium. I don't know don't ask me why giant hamsters are in an aquarium)

"Awh, mummy, hamsters!"

V. dodgy pic of sealions (was so bloody cold outside absolutely no way we were staying out there longer than was necessary)

The most disgusting fish in the entire world:

Monkeys.... ("Awh, cats, mummy, cats!")

Tunnel of fish:


*Insert attempt at afternoon nap here*

Make-up artist:


I took Wiggles to this aquarium because I was told a hilarious story by someone at work that involved a fish jumping out of one of the tanks and this was something I had to witness for myself. Unfortunately, (or actually maybe fortunately- I'm not too keen on fish to be honest) all fish remained in their tanks and did not make any attempts at escaping whilst we were there.

In other unrelated pictures, here are Walter and Adelaide shockingly getting along:

Piglet having the most amazing bed hair in the world:

I had my first exam yesterday and it was quite possibly the most lovely exam I ever had (except for that maths GCSE one where I got 100%- I don't think I'll ever top that one). Also got another assignment back and had got full marks because I AM A BOSS AT TOXICOLOGY (I'm so sorry, I've booked time off work for exams so I have nobody to boast to about my achievements). I'm looking at starting a facebook page related to the blog to post mini updates (such as Piglet pressing the emergency alarm on the metro- definitely a top 10 embarrassing moment right there) but it's currently a work in progress, so I will let you all know when it's done.

BIG LOVE AND KISSES AND BRAINS XXXXXXXXX (not in a gross sense- in a metaphorical sense, obviously)

Thursday, 12 January 2017

The One With The 50,000 Word Thesis (33 months + 1 day)

Do you know what I hate most about not having enough time to blog more frequently? It's that by the time I actually get to sit down and have 10 minutes to write about our lives, I literally have enough material for a 50,000 word thesis on "The Parenting of Piglet". And I'm pretty sure that would not be interesting reading for anyone.

So, I have no idea when I last wrote. I know we had flu, however we have been ill approx. 27 times in the past 3 months, so asking me to pinpoint which illness we were suffering is far easier said than done. 

This is utter crap right now, 

Ok, I'm going to approach this like I'm writing an academic paper. Maybe that will help (THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I HAVE LONG BREAKS FROM WRITING STUPID WORK NOT UNDERSTANDING WHAT 20 HOURS MEANS). So...whilst I might have said that nobody would want to read this.....:

The Parenting of Piglet

A child was given to an incompetent woman who could barely look after herself, let alone anyone else. Said woman wrote about her experiences as a painfully inept mother to aforementioned child on a semi-regular basis in an attempt to remain sane and hopefully help others who also suffered with the perpetual "I am not an adult yet" syndrome that she herself exhibited. Initial results indicated that the woman may step up to the mark and become phenomenal, however after a small period of failures, it appeared that the woman and the baby were destined for doom. Our latest set of results however, yields promising themes emerging in the lives of the pair, that suggest that the woman (hereafter known as Bones) and the baby (henceforth named Piglet) might actually just about survive the experiment. More data is required before we can know for sure however, and we hope to be able to collate the woman's thoughts at more frequent time intervals in the future. 

Piglet eyes
Piglet feet
Moneys? Child maintenance?
Adoption- serious consideration right now
Christmas plans
London marathon
Xmas shopping
Results and Discussion
Let us begin with the most interesting results first: Bones is a genius. After the self-confessed devastatingly poor performance in her undergraduate degree, it appears that she has finally managed to re-located her brain and is currently averaging 95% in her Masters. She is trying to be modest about the whole thing. She is failing drastically; every result she gets, she runs into work shouting "HOLLLLLAAAAAAAAAA GUESS WHO GOT 9 BAJILLION MARKS?! MEEEEEEE, ME ME MEEEEEEE".

We have identified subtlety as an area than Bones needs to spend some time developing in the future.

Whilst we are on the topic of Bones, and have mentioned work, it seems sensible to mention at this point that- once again- Bones is seeking alternative employment. We have noticed a strong correlation with the passing of 3-4 months at an establishment and the onset of Bones' "itchy feet". She currently has a new job lined up for January in a well-known coffee chain. She is unsure whether or not she is going to take it. The main motivation behind Bones' lack of job satisfaction was that it appears that management cannot count to 20; in fact, it would seem that they do not know numbers any lower than 22. As such, Bones' "20 hours work per week" were regularly 25, 27, 29, and the occasional 22.

Bones has yet to hand her notice in, because Bones is not sure if she wants to. Bones clearly still has indecisive tendencies and needs to sort this shit out soon. Although, we here believe that the most likely outcome is that Bones will attempt to juggle both jobs alongside uni and her child because- in short- she is a pleb.

Moving onto the star of the entire experiment: Piglet. Bones has been fixated on Piglet's seemingly lack of speech for far too long, and we are happy to report that Piglet is making phenomenal progress in this area. This led to Bones deciding to add an extra challenge to the table: potty training. Bones was reluctant about potty training for a while as she felt that the limited communication would be an issue, however she felt that they had reached a point where it was time to pursue the matter.

The conditioning began well; Piglet managed to do a wee on the toilet at nursery; however, 73 pairs of wee wees pants later (and one pair of pants that we do not even want to discuss), Bones decided that maybe Piglet wasn't quite ready for potty training, and so has decided to postpone the matter until after the Festive period. A different approach is being trialed, whereby Piglet is sat on the toilet every 5 minutes, but is still wearing a nappy; our conclusion from this is that Bones is a lazy mother and cannot cope with washing 73 wee wees pants per day.

....Do you know I started writing this post over two months ago? TWO WHOLE MONTHS. AND I HAVEN'T FINISHED IT/POSTED IT YET. Basically, I have no idea where I was going with all that. God, I hate not having time to write. In theory, I should have time to write, but there always seems to be a million and one things that I've put off that I need to do. Anyway, in short: that was the start of my two month old post that I have not completed. Please don't expect to see this published in any academic journals any time soon.

Do you know why I've finally made time for updating my blog? Go on. Big clue. Cheeky hint. Nudge. I have exams. I should be revising. I have been revising until my brain is dripping out of my ears at the moment, and so I feel like I want a break that doesn't involve doing the washing up. Hence: writing.

I'm not going to attempt to recap anything. Because I have no idea how much I have to say. Basically: uni is going well, nursery is going well, my time management is going well, sleep is not going well (but when is it ever?). I'm going to start off with...this morning.

I have developed a slight (major) dependence on nytol. The proper nytol. Not that herbal bullshit (it's fine- I checked on the leaflet, it says I can take it even though I'm on prozac, no drug interaction here). I have started abusing all the pharmaceuticals I can get my hands on because for some reason, my brain doesn't want to sleep. I don't know why. I don't think I'm stressed. Or maybe I'm simply so used to stress right now that I no longer am able to acknowledge the fact that I am stressed. Or maybe I'm just old and don't need sleep (this is not true- I need sleep so bad, I'm just unable to do it).

Anyway, my sleep is abysmal. So, last night I took my nytol at 8:30pm and went to bahbyes with Piggly Wiggly. And I woke up at 1am. Wide awake. No going back to sleep for me. So I had a pretty productive night revising, and then I went for a training run this morning (London marathon people- I'm in it #Londonround2) and then I had another job interview.

I think I'd mentioned in my thesis above that I had been offered a job at a coffee chain and I was supposed to be starting there at the beginning of this month. However, I turned it down. Why? Firstly it was a 0 hour contract. Which unnerved me slightly. But mostly? Because all the students went home from the pub for Christmas, and we've had a staff member off sick for a month and another one is leaving and we're only a small team and I can't leave them because I hate myself. Also, everyone seems to have big beef with the manager, but he's always really nice to me so....whatever. I was not leaving them in the shit. I didn't feel comfortable leaving at that point.

The job I had the interview for this morning, I had applied for around the same time as the coffee chain. It was for a bank. And the interview process was- to put it politely- f***ing ridiculous. Not only have I had to complete an application form, alongside my CV, followed by online assessments, I then had a telephone interview which I had to pass before I was invited for a face-to-face interview.

I'm pretty sure this was a minimum wage job. And if it wasn't minimum wage it was like barely above it.

Side note: my telephone interview was hilarious. I hadn't slept the night prior, so fell asleep in the morning and woke up to the phone ringing: 

Phone lady:"Why do you want to work for us?"
Me: "Uhm...well...just fancy a change really...uhm...yeah"
Phone lady: "Tell me how you can demonstrate the company values of PRIDE in your work?"
Me: "Uhm...yeah...just try my best. I'll just try my best. Let's leave it at that."

I have no idea how the hell I got past that phone interview.

So, proper interview was this morning. For a part-time role. I wasn't feeling it. I didn't really want to go. To be honest, I actually quite like my job at the  moment. I've got it pretty good. They're keeping me happy. Some weeks I can easily make a decent amount in tips. I can choose my weekends off. By helping out when they need me, they consider me to be a Goddess, so... Anyway, after going through my CV and sitting there sweating with nerves because I was half asleep and had done minimal preparation (hey, you're interviewing me during exam season, what do you expect?) and was really really praying that they would forget about the presentation that I had to give about one of their products because I really didn't want to do it because I hate this shit and why should I have to jump through all these hoops for a job that I am clearly more than competent to do, they then queried how work would fit around uni.

This role they were advertising for. This part-time position. Shifts were either: 9-5 Mon-Fri (1 day off) and 9-12:30 Sat OR 9-2 Mon-Fri and 9-12:30 Sat.

Yeah....that's not really part-time though is it? I said I had uni several mornings a week and they were like "Well, as long as you could do Monday, Friday and Saturday we could make that work" but I have uni those days. So I called it to a halt, made my apologies, they made their apologies, and I left without having to try to sell them their own credit card. RESULT.

Ok, now I have to revise again. Piglet has a follow up hearing test next Friday and her appointment about her feet is on the 1st Feb (was supposed to be December 7th but we might have ended  up locked inside NNB's flat that day- don't ask. Just don't). Exams are over the next two weeks so don't expect any more from me until after that point; alternatively, I might post on here every day in an attempt to avoid revision? WHO KNOWS?!

BIG LOVE TO ALL. Piggly and I are going up to North Tyneside at the weekend for a Mummy Squidge day to explore aquariums and crazy disappearing pathways and castles and things. I will take lots of pictures as an apology for having been away for so long


p.s. For anyone wondering what "Walter" refers to above, Walter is our new baby cat. Or at least he was new. Piglet follows him round everywhere going "awh, baby cat awh" and he handles it very well, it has to be said. Adelaide is slightly less keen on the arranged marriage, which I can absolutely 100% appreciate.

Monday, 31 October 2016

The One With No Time (31 months + 20 days)

COMING SOON (most likely Friday... Thursday at a push. The clue is in the title)


Tuesday, 27 September 2016

The One Where Patience Is A Virt(flu)e (30 months + 16 days)


Before you start this post, I want you to go and make yourself a cup of tea, put your slippers on, get comfy.... because it's going to be a long one guys (depending on how long it gets, I may slip in intermittent tea breaks here and there- you're welcome).

Right, ready? What do you mean the kettle hasn't boiled yet? It's fine, I empathise with you- I too, have a 20p kettle from Argos that takes five years to boil. Ready now? Oh fine, I can hold on for a little bit whilst you rescue your slipper from the cat's latest hiding place. All good? No, that's ok- it's probably best if you move that random bit of chalk that your child lost 6 months ago from under your bum- that can't be comfortable. All sorted?! Cracking, LET'S GO!

"No, I will be the pattern of patience; I will say nothing"
Ok, so I've mentioned at least once that I was a little concerned with Piglet's speech. Whilst she does chatter/babble/poke you in the eye- "EYESSSSS EYESSSSSS EYESSSSSS"- quite a lot, it still doesn't seem to me to be matching other children of her age (or what I perceive that to be... seriously, I could just be expecting far too much of her). I mentioned last time that we were going for a hearing test to check that there weren't any issues there that could be causing a delay in her speech. 

Before we went, I really bigged it up to Piglet- "Piglet, we're going on an ADVENTURE today, we're going to the hospital! YAY! The hospital is REALLY EXCITING! We're going to have so much fun!!!!!" I wanted to make sure that she was comfortable at the hospital, and didn't feel concerned, or stressed out. This is partly- to be honest- because I had absolutely no idea what a hearing test for two year olds consisted of. So, I figured that if she ended up being strapped to a machine with tubes stuck down her ears, it was better for her to think it was all a fun game (they do not do this by the way- this is not hearing test procedure. This is my brain on drugs).

We had a bit of a mix-up with appointments when we got to the hospital (they had cancelled our appointment...) but the receptionist and the doctor were absolutely wonderful and said they could squeeze us in, which I was ever so grateful for. We had a bit of a wait before, so had a cheeky coffee/milkybar from the hospital shop and played with some of the toys in the waiting room before it was our turn to be seen. So, I'd told Piglet that the hospital is an adventure to relax her. To chill her out. However, what I had not anticipated, is that actually, by telling her it was an adventure, she got really, really excited. Like, crazy excited. When they called her name, she literally sprinted off after the nurse and was running after her down the corridor, giggling away- she pretty much just left me behind in the waiting room. 

And she was an absolute star. The doctors did several tests with her (all of which were focused around toys/playing in case anyone was wondering/as ignorant to what goes on as I was) and she was perfect. Literally did everything right. Got everything they asked her to do, responded to all the right prompts. Her comprehension is outstanding. In fact, it's quite scary just how much she understands. The doctor also had a look in her ears, and checked her for glue ear and said that there's no signs of that, her ears look absolutely fine. She's going to review everything again in four months (there's a couple of sounds they can't test for this early on- mainly at the quieter end of the spectrum), but she doesn't think her delay in talking is due to hearing issues, she thinks she just doesn't want to yet. And she will when she is ready.

It was a big relief. It was funny really, because all morning I had been thinking of it as "I'm sure she'll be fine", and then literally about two minutes before we were called in, I had a sudden feeling of dread and realised that it might not be. It was really weird, this overwhelming panic just came over me. And- I don't want this to come across the wrong way at all, and I'm worried that it might- but that was also the moment that I realised that if something was "wrong" with her, I would love her the same. Before that moment the possibility of a child outside the norm was terrifying to me. I thought that if anything were ever abnormal with Piglet that it would affect how I saw motherhood- whether that be, if I felt pity for her; if I felt bitter towards other people who had "normal" children; whether I would be "annoyed" at things potentially being "harder" if she was "different" (so many quotation marks here). And it was only at that moment that I realised that I was so stupid. Because she is such a lovely child. And I am just so blessed to have her in my life.

So, Piglet will speak when she wants to. For now, she is happy to babble away. And she always repeats things you ask her to (or at least tries to- currently "thank you" is "glankoo"). I am remembering to be careful of how many of my secrets I reveal to her. And am happy to be patient for when she can reveal her own to me. 

"Endurance is patience concentrated"
Obviously, I'm sure you're all wanting to hear about how THE GREAT NORTH RUN was! Really good, is the answer to that. They're all good, I really love a race. Especially the "big" races- they're just so much fun. I really think that everyone should do at least one race in their life. The atmosphere is incredible, seriously I don't think there's anything like it. It had been a couple of months since my last race and I'd almost forgotten just how much I love it. 

Due to staffing issues I ended up having to work the day before (because I hate myself, I volunteered, why am I a team player, why do I do this to myself) but only until 3pm, so I was able to get a semi-decent rest before the day. I actually had a panic about a week before the race that I'd got a stress fracture in my shin because it was in constant agony but apparently ignoring it made go away (clearly Insanity had done something to it- bloody Insanity). Oh, the reason I was mentioning I had to work is BECAUSE the day before the Great North Run is the Mini Great North Run where all the babies (not babies- 3-8 year olds) do a race and they had race numbers and medals and oh my God THEY WERE ALL SO CUTE!!!!!! I'm already planning on signing Piglet up for next September (although I can already see now that I'll probably end up carrying her BUT I DON'T CARE SHE WILL HAVE A NUMBER IT WILL BE SO CUTE!!!!!!!).

Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked by cuteness, I was absolutely buzzing on the morning. I'd got such a love buzz going on, it was lovely lovely lovely. I completed in 2:03, so I'm still just outside the two hour half-marathon time I'm dreaming of, but it was incredibly hot. I was melting. Also, I did stop for a wee. So I could pretend that it took four minutes to have a wee, if I really wanted to. But I would be lying to myself. The last couple of miles, the only thing that was keeping me going was the thought of seeing Piglet at the finish line. NNB was supposed to be bringing her up, and they were going to meet me at the end....

They weren't at the finish line. I was gutted. NNB said he couldn't get there because of the road closures. There may be some truth in this, but...I knew he hadn't wanted to come. It put a little bit of a dampener on the day for me. Piglet obviously wasn't able to be at the finish at London, and since GNR is so close to home, it would have just been nice for her to have been there. She loves race days. BUT I'LL GET OVER IT. There's still chance to sponsor me, if you haven't already. CLICK HERE ON THE BIG SHINY LINK THANK YOU, YOU'RE ALL AMAZING XXXXXX

Mrs Wiggle also had her own fundraising run with nursery. She did very well- apparently dashed off before they'd even said go (although she did refuse to walk to the park where they were having the race. Clearly saving her energy- I have taught her well). All good training for next year!

No idea, when my/our next race is going to be. Need to find some money first (you get to read AAAAAALLLLLL about this later on). Hoping it won't be too long though- I'm itching to get going again already!

Sidenote: I don't think I ever told you about the camel at London did I? A camel- well, two people dressed as a camel- overtook me when I hit my wall. A camel beat me in the London marathon. There was a guy dressed as Pikachu who overtook me during the GNR. Not for long though- the memory of the camel gave me enough energy to regain my lead on him. A bloody camel. HONESTLY. 

"Patience is not the ability to wait, but how you act while you are waiting"
Well, since I've just mentioned about money.... Ahhh, money. I remember money. Money was nice. I don't have money any more. Tax credits are still not paying me. Do you know I actually can't even speak to them at the moment? I get to talk to the robot lady instead. And the robot lady tells me that I can speak to an actual human person about my claim after October 6th, and then puts the phone down on me. Robots put the phone down on me. This is life right now.

It was pay day on Friday. All- and I mean all- of my wages went out to pay for the first installment of uni and the remaining half of my rent (I had told landlady about the tax credit fiasco at the start of the month and she said it was fine for me to pay half rent on the due date and then the remaining half on payday. Landlady is very nice. I have a very very very lovely landlady. Ignore any and all of my horrible mushroom related cynicism).. I currently have £21.13 in my account. And nursery fees are due on the 1st October...

I'm getting a tax rebate though, which is nice and hopefully coming through this week. And then I think I'm going to have to beg NNB to lend me the rest of the money for nursery with the promise that I can pay it back as soon as tax credits come through (I am sure NNB is getting v. sick of this tax credits shite. I am getting v. sick of this tax credits shite and I have not had to lend somebody £1000). 

In the meantime, I have been practicing poverty. Luckily, Piglet gets fed well at nursery and NNB's so is fine with the perpetual eggs/value fish fingers/toast lifestyle that we are currently leading. I'm expecting my phone to be cut off at the end of this month as I think I'm going to have to cancel the direct debit for this month but that's fine. I can live without a mobile for a week or so. I have a house phone. It is fine. I just have to be patient. 

I have to keep reminding myself that I did choose this. I could have been an escort if I wanted (I absolutely could not have been an escort- see later for more reasons why I am losing all faith in men forever and ever and ever). It's a good job I like eggs. 

TEA BREAK (might want to make a pot)

"Good things come to those who wait"
I'm going to flip back to Piglet for a little bit now, and how she's doing at nursery. She's been such a good egg about it all. She's settled in really, really well. She was a bit unsure for the first couple of days, and got quite upset when I was leaving her. They assured me that she was absolutely fine within five minutes of me leaving, but I was still getting concerned that she wasn't going to settle at all. Not anymore though. We've actually gotten into quite a nice little routine (although I'm sure Piglet would disagree about the early starts- nursery starts at 7:30 so Piglet is generally woken up at 6:45. Sometimes she's compliant; others...not so much).

We have our morning walks to nursery. Well, I have a morning walk to nursery. Piglet has a morning carry to nursery (NNB has the pushchair at his right now and keeps "forgetting" to bring it back). 20 minutes of carrying a toddler- serious upper body workout right there. We play I spy. We spy a lot of cats. And a lot of cars. And birds. We're currently learning to differentiate between windows and doors (Piglet thinks that both windows and doors are called doors). There's several routes we can take but in the mornings I like to go via a road called Bright Street because I am a loser and I tell Piglet this means we're going to have a bright and shiny day (it's the Prozac, ok? I am sane). She helps me to hang her coat and her bag up when we get there and then she gives me a kiss and says bye and off she goes. It's really lovely. 

Another lovely thing about nursery is sleep. We've had a lot of issues with sleep. I mentioned that I had the nursery nurse coming to visit me and discuss establishing a routine that would help, and he's been round several times over the past couple of weeks and has definitely helped. We now have a set bedtime routine and I don't just spring bedtime on her, I'll pre-warn her of it happening, and she know that her bed is her bed and bedtime is bedtime. I think that a lot of the reason her sleep has improved though is because of nursery. She is cream-crackered when she gets home from nursery. Ten and a half hours of playing- hard work, man. So, that has been a very, very lovely side-effect of nursery.

Of course, there are also some unpleasant consequences of starting at a new nursery. The main one being this:

"Patience is a cure for everything"
FLU. I HAVE HAD FLU. I'm assuming Piglet also had flu, but she bounced back far faster than me (maybe the secret to a decent immune system is copious amounts of milkybars? Remind me to try this). She was a poorly bunny though. I actually ended up calling 111 because I couldn't get an appointment at the doctors for her, and she had a temperature that wasn't going down with calpol (which meant that she couldn't go into nursery). She was eventually prescribed some ibuprofen which worked with almost immediate effect. The doctor told me that apparently the only reason people tend to give their children calpol is because it's more heavily advertised; ibuprofen is actually more effective at lowering fevers. Medical secret right there guys- ibuprofen over paracetamol. You are welcome.

I am almost back to normal. Still have demon gunky eyes of death in the morning though (did I mention that my flu has come with a side of conjunctivitis? It really is LOVELY). I have been rough rough rough. Really bad. I don't think I've ever had flu before. Not like proper flu. I've had bad colds, but they definitely weren't flu. This was flu. My entire body ached. SO MUCH ACHE. And I was exhausted. And I was hot and cold and freezing and boiling and PLEASE BODY, JUST PICK A TEMPERATURE ALREADY!!!!! I forced myself to go into work because I am a moron and I really shouldn't have. When I got there, the manager was like, "Did you not think of calling and seeing if you could switch shifts?", and I was like, "Honestly? I've never had a job where that has even been a possibility before". So apparently, there are many perks of new job, including the ability to not have to work when you are dying. He didn't send me home I just had to die quietly with a smile on my face. 

I've survived though. Piglet's left over ibuprofen has got me through (not supposed to take NSAIDs when on Prozac but cannot afford medicine due to limited budget so do not have time to think about drug interactions and increased potential for bleeding right now). Hoping that is our last dose of illnesses for a while. Of course, I know better than that- I'm sure I can look forward to our bodies being host to a plethora of nursery bacteria and viruses over the next few weeks. OH WHAT FUN!

"I'll weight"
Of course, illnesses have their benefits (or what I perceive to be benefits in my warped brain) and the flu has added to my weight loss. I don't think I droned on about it here too much, but last year over Christmas I put on 10lbs. TEN POUNDS. YES. Now, I know what caused my weight gain. Too much pizza. Too much alcohol. Bad Christmas. However, I was also unable to lose that weight, no matter what I did for almost eight months. I could lose a couple of pounds (from salmonellosis, for example) but I would gain it back the next week. And then lose it the week after. And then gain it again. I was oscillating around that +10lb mark that I hated SO MUCH.

Why could I not lose the weight? I have my suspicions. I don't believe it was a simple issue in creating a caloric deficit- because trust me, I had that. For a number of reasons, I think I had a massive hormonal imbalance, and I think I know why I did (but can't talk about it, not talking about it, will talk one day promise when my soul is free and clean again and I am sure that karma has finished hating on me xxxxx). 

ANYWAY in the past eight weeks I am now up to a 16lb weight loss, and counting. Apparently my metabolism has suddenly remembered how to work. This is very good- it means I can fit in my old jeans again, so I am a happy, happy bunny (although am aware not to take it too far- like I already said, I am still sane at the present moment in time).. 

Why have I been able to lose the weight? I'm assuming the Prozac has something to do with it. I know it kills your appetite so weight loss is a common side effect (along with the hair loss, insomnia, grinding teeth in your sleep and libido of a Giant Panda that I am also experiencing) but I've never heard of 16lbs before, Insanity has also helped (don't do Insanity. Don't do it. You hate it, but you love it, even though you hate it, it consumes your life, it hurts you so much, it's so good, DON'T DO IT). I'm assuming it's a combination of the two. Either way- I'm not complaining 

"There is no such thing as failure, just waiting for success"
More big, big, big news (and one of the main reasons why September is both the most exciting month and the poorest month of the year) I am all registered for Newcastle!!!!! Paid the first installment for my course on Friday and collected my id card after work yesterday (seriously- Friday was the fastest wage spent in my life ever). I had to sprint across Newcastle to get my id and managed to trip up the steps on the way into the building (This is what you get for wearing £2 Primani shoes for work. Too many people saw me do this, far far far too many people. What is my life?), and my id photo is officially the most hideous ever known to mankind. No second shots, no- is that ok for you? Just printed onto the card and sent out the door before I witnessed the horror of my appearance (in case you want me to set the scene: shiny forehead, flu demon eyes, cheekbones, blonde straw mop- that is my id picture. Bloody awful). So I'm very excited about that (the starting at Newcastle- not the horrendous id photo). First official day is on Wednesday. I've got uni followed by work. Insomnia is definitely going to be my friend from now on!

"A gentleman is simply a patient wolf"
Whilst I'm on the topic of work (you're reaching the end now, I swear, promise, HOLD ON GUYS, YOU CAN DO IT, I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!!)- bit of an update. Work is fine. It's easy. Initially I was concerned that this meant it was going to be boring...until I realised that is exactly what I wanted to go alongside uni, and half the reason I left old job. There's also a Team Leader vacancy that has come up which I think they were trying to work out if I would be interested in, which I was for...two seconds. Before remembering- YOU WANT EASY BONES, THE POINT IS NOT TO OVERLOAD YOURSELF AND HAVE BALANCE. So, it's a no from me- I just want to be boring bar staff. Learn from previous mistakes.

In other news, apparently, I am attractive in Newcastle. Or at least, I am attractive to all men who are the worst examples of their gender. I've had so many phone numbers given to me over the past month, I'm thinking of turning them into a novel. Would you like to hear about some of the fantastic catches that I've been presented with? Ok, so potential life partner number one is the guy who started talking to me about his girlfriend and son, before telling me that they're only together for the baby and giving me his number on a beer mat? No? Doesn't sound like a catch? Really? Oh, alright then. Well how about the one who lost his girlfriend on a night out, and the next morning came in- "this is what you get for being a multi-millionaire who goes out with women twenty years younger than you"- and gave me his number on a receipt- "take a chance- you won't regret it". Hmm... You sure? I thought he sounded pretty decent.... 

You get my drift. I really wish I was a lesbian.

"Patience is bitter, but it's fruit is sweet"
Ok, so in short: everything is kind of starting to sort itself out (apart from money and men, but the former is hopefully on it's way and the latter we do not need). I'm in a really good place right now, and I think Piglet is aswell (Adelaide-the cat- is also in a very good place. I've never spoilt a cat so much in my life, I don't know what is wrong with me- I literally treat her like a child, I think it's because she's a girl. I'm actually sexist towards cats. What even is this?). I'm really hoping this gets to continue, and I think it will, as long as I remember my limits. And continue taking my Prozac (go and get the Prozac guys... it's really good). 

"Stay patient and trust your journey"
FINALLY, in case you've missed it- our book is out. For those of you who haven't had enough of my mad ramblings (although I'm pretty sure you will have after this 750000 word dissertation) why not go check it out? It's HERE. HERE. PRESS HERE PEOPLE. (Shameless self promotion).

See? Now wasn't that worth the wait? Big love to everyone. Speak soon xxxxxx

p.s. This blog has taken me so long to write, that in the time from start to finish, I have actually had 64264262 coffee breaks, been to work and back, slept, AND been saved from financial ruin by a pair of very very kind people who I am very grateful to have in my life. So, please- feel free to take as many tea breaks as you want.

Thursday, 1 September 2016

The One With The Day Off (29 months + 21 days)


I'm assuming you can tell I've started working again from the lack of writing I've been doing... but I'll get to that in a bit.

Ok, so multiple things to fill you all in on that have been happening in the world of Bones and Piglet. I'll start with the most logical place: nursery (nursery is always a logical place to start- always).

Piglet properly started at her new nursery today. I had mentioned that we'd been looking for one previously, and...clearly we found one? This was a really weird experience for me actually, and one that I hadn't anticipated being so... difficult.

Piglet has obviously been at nursery before. And that nursery was absolutely phenomenal. She loved that nursery. I loved that nursery. And in all honesty, that was something that was totally just luck. I didn't do masses of research before finding that one, I didn't look at alternatives, I just needed a nursery, and that one was the first we found and it just so happened that they had a place available. Saying that though, when we walked in (and this is such a strange feeling and makes me sound like I'm a crazy hippy woman), I knew that was our nursery ("our" nursery... shut up Bones, you don't go to nursery). I knew that was a place that was perfect for Piglet.

I would have loved Piglet to have stayed at that original nursery until she started school. Obviously I chose to take her out of nursery at the start of the Summer, and given where we are now living however, and the fact that I am starting at Newcastle in 25 days (TWENTY FIVE DAYS ARGH!!!!!)  that nursery would not have been an option for her to return to. It's just in completely the wrong location. So alternative options needed to be considered.

I knew it would be a different process looking for a nursery this second time around. Not only did we have that benchmark to compare any prospective nursery to, but Piglet is also a lot older now than she was before. I know Piglet a lot more now- which probably sounds like a really weird phrase, but I'm hoping you can relate to what I'm saying- and I know what she likes (sausages), what she's not so keen on (sleep), and what she needs and wants from a nursery (organised chaos).

I'd originally wanted to look at four or five different options. My "first choice" was shot down instantly because they were only open during term-time, which is no good for me at the moment. The second one that we viewed was up in Newcastle, and as far as nurseries go, it was nice. Everyone was very pleasant, there was lots of space for them to run around, it was next to the train station so the children could watch the trains coming in (Piglet loves trains- really loves trains. Hardly surprising, to be honest). There wasn't a garden though. They had converted a room inside so that it was like a garden, which was a really cool idea. That being said... that wasn't our nursery. I knew it wasn't our nursery quite early on into the visit. They had organised nap times. Which may work for some children- would not work for Piglet. And you may argue that she would become accustomed to it, and get into the routine but... I don't want a regimented child? I appreciate that she needs boundaries, but I think she should have the freedom to choose when/if she sleeps in the day (saying this however, we're currently having massive night-time sleep issues, so hey, what the hell do I know?)

We left that nursery and I was seriously disheartened. And I was shocked at how emotionally attached I obviously was to our old nursery. We had another nursery visit that afternoon, however, so off we went to that one. This one was in Fulwell, which isn't far from where we live. It's only about two minutes from the metro station, so it fits in well with dropping her off/ picking her up on the way to uni. It's part of a "chain" of nurseries (as was the first one actually). And we walked through the door...and it was our nursery. It's so stupid. It's such a stupid expression- "you just know". It's brilliant. Piglet was going to be in the big children room upstairs; she's slightly younger than most of them in there but they said that by the time they got her settled in the younger room, it would be time to transfer her, which I totally agreed with. Now, let me tell you how awesome this room is. It's amazing. They have different sections with different activities (THERE IS A SCIENCE SECTION AND IT HAS X-RAYS HOW COOL IS THIS?), meal times are self-service, which Piglet will LOVE (although I imagine it is total carnage), they have naps when they want to... and- you should see this garden. The garden is huge. HUGE. I left her to play that day whilst we talked about fees and things. And she wasn't bothered at all. In fact, she didn't want to leave- I had to pull her out of a car kicking and screaming because she wanted to stay.

There was a minor flaw with this nursery, however: you have to pay the fees upfront in advance each month. I did not have £800 to hand over to nursery. So, I kind of resigned myself to it not being an option. ENTER NNB. NNB had asked how it had gone, and after I'd run through everything with him (but said that we couldn't do it because of the fee thing) he said he wanted to have a look round for himself. And luckily for us, he loved it as much as we did- or he saw how much Piglet loved it. So, NNB has paid for the first month of nursery and I am paying him back over a very, very, very long time.

I suppose I should interject here with what is actually happening with NNB and I. We're not a couple (although I lied and told nursery we are because otherwise I had no idea how I was supposed to explain the situation), there is no romantic involvement between us whatsoever, we are...friends? Can I call us friends? I think we're friends. It's nice. We're getting along well. I'm very happy with the situation as it currently stands, and the way that it's all turned out. Piglet still gets to see NNB (and vice versa), I don't die when I have no money, I am able to work unsociable hours.... If you'd told me six months ago that things would be like this, I would have said it was the best possible outcome. So...winning.

I think we were still staying at NNB's last time I wrote something weren't we? We're not anymore. We're back in our house (and have been for a while). Which is good. After what happened I was concerned that I wasn't going to feel safe here again. That it would feel tainted. The flat that we currently reside in felt like home, and I haven't lived anywhere that felt like home probably since our first house in Seaham, so I was very, very, very pissed off at the thought that someone had been able to take that feeling away from me. It still feels like home though. I'm glad to be back (have I mentioned that the doctor put me on Prozac? I haven't have I? The doctor put me on Prozac, so to be honest I'm glad at everything in life currently!)

Where to go next.... oh yes, work. I have a job. Who wants to guess what my job title is? Go on. I'm sure you'll get it straight away. YES, THAT'S RIGHT, I WORK IN A PUB! I told myself I wasn't going to apply for bar work, you know. It was my back-up plan in case I didn't get anything. Basically, I applied for two jobs. The first was as bar/waiting staff in a pub in Newcastle. And it was the same company that I had been a Team Leader for previously, but it was in a different brand. The second was as a supervisor in a health and beauty chain in Sunderland. The day after I put in these applications, the manager from the pub called me and asked me to come in for an interview.

Now. I am rubbish at interviews. Or at least, I think I'm rubbish at interviews. Anyway, luckily for me, it wasn't really an interview! I got there, and the manager said that he'd spoken to the assistant manager at the pub where I used to work and he's never heard anybody spoken so highly of before. So, he wanted me. I said that was all good with me, as long as I never ever ever have to go in the kitchen (kitchen shifts are the worst things you can ever encounter in your life- avoid the kitchen at all costs). And just like that, I had a job (also, they've interviewed other people since I've started and I am very glad that I was not subjected to that- their interviews do not sound fun at all, man). Now, a couple of days before I was due to start said job, the second place I applied for called me, and left a message saying they wanted to interview me. I didn't respond because:

a) NNB was away, so I couldn't attend an interview
b) I had a job
c) I was going to call them and say thank you but I have a job now, but I got side-tracked...

If they had called me first I would have gone to the interview. If it had been in Newcastle, I probably still would have gone to the interview. But... I haven't got my timetable for uni yet, and I figured it made more sense to be based in Newcastle for everything as opposed to having to jump all over the place. They called me again about a week later whilst I was at work aswell. So, I AM HIGHLY EMPLOYABLE. Which is very nice (seriously, so much Prozac right now. I am off my face. So good).

What else has happened? Oh God, my nana had a heart attack aswell, which was very concerning. My sister had come up from Lancaster for the day to come and see us (which was SO NICE by the way. I don't get to see my sister very often, so it's lovely when I do), and we got a phone call from my mum saying what had happened. Luckily, she's absolutely fine. We went down to see her, and you wouldn't even know that anything had happened. My nana is an incredibly strong woman. It will take more than a heart attack to beat her! We got to see my gran and gramps, and my mummy and auntie P aswell when we went down, so it was lovely to be able to catch up with all of them. Family is important. EVERYONE MAKE SURE YOU LOOK AFTER YOUR FAMILIES.

Uhm... other things...oh Piglet had her two year review with the health visitor. Yes, I am aware that she is well over two now... I am a rubbish mother. We had a new health visitor, because of moving, obviously. She is the best person I have ever met in my life. I love her. I love my health visitor. I always get really stressed about health visitors, but so far I've only ever had really nice ones, so I don't know why. She said Piglet is fine, but there are a few things that she needs to be seen for. Have I mentioned about her feet? I must have mentioned about her feet at some point... She walks with her toes pointing in. So her feet are probably around 30 degrees from straight? I'd already made an appointment about this, so she's being seen for that at the end of September. I've also asked for a hearing test because of her speech (although health visitor thinks she might just be a late talker- her comprehension is still very good), so we've got that next week. She's got an eye test booked for the start of October because she's still got a slight squint (which I didn't even notice to be honest) so that's just to check that out. And the nursery nurse came round to discuss her lack of sleep, and trying to get her into a routine and things.

Seriously, motherhood- full-time job.

In other news, I am so poor it is painful. Tax credits stopped paying me at the start of August because they'd sent my renewal pack to our old address, so I have no pennies. Which is so fun. So, so, so, fun. Managed to renew them this morning and they've said it will take 8 to 10 weeks to process the renewal. Which means 8 to 10 weeks before I get paid from them. Honestly, if I wasn't on Prozac, I would be crying SO HARD right now. SO HARD.

I've got the Great North Run in TEN DAYS PEOPLE. TEN DAYS. Thank you to everyone who has sponsored me so far! You're all amazing! (Those of you who are yet to do so: click the link thank you big love you're amazing xxxxx)

AND FINALLY. Book. Book is coming. I'm literally typing up the conclusion as we speak (well, not literally RIGHT NOW, like I was, but then I've taken a break to do this post....haven't worked out how to simultaneously type two things at once yet). I know it's been delayed. I'M VERY SORRY. Between builder incident, and work, and a baby who does not sleep, I've had minimal time. It's currently due to be released on the 11th of September, and you can order your copy here. Go on, do it. It's £1.99. You love reading the rubbish that I write. You'll be funding my masters. GO ON. LOVE YOU XXXXX

Ok, that's all for now. This is the first day off I've had in over a week. I've been up since 4:30am and still have a list of things to do that is as tall as me. Promise I won't leave it so long to speak to you next time. BIG LOVE TO EVERYONE XXXXXXX (seriously guys- go get some Prozac. You know you want to)

Tuesday, 26 July 2016

The One With Piglet's Perspective (28 months + 15 days)

HI EVERYONE! Piglet here. Mummy says I get to write this post, because she's feeling weird at the moment. She says she's "overreacting and behaving irrationally", but I'm not entirely sure what that means.

So, the first exciting thing I have to report: WE'RE ON HOLIDAY! At least, I think it's a holiday. We're staying at a different house, anyway. Mummy says it's NNB's new flat. I really like it; there's loads and loads of rooms to explore, and SO MANY STAIRS! Gosh, I love stairs. Mummy doesn't seem to be as keen on the stairs as I am.... She keeps telling me to get off them. Puss cat likes the stairs though. She's come on holiday with us too. And the hamsters. It's really fun. I miss our home though. I miss my room, and Mummy's room, and sleeping in Mummy's bed and playing in our garden. Mummy says she's not sure when we're going home yet. I'm a bit concerned about Mummy at the moment.

I don't know why we're on holiday. Mummy tried to explain. She said it was something to do with the man who used to come round to the house, but I don't really understand. It's all very confusing for me. Mummy is very confusing for me at the moment. She keeps crying. And then she's laughing. And then crying some more. Sometimes she's shouting. And then crying again. I try to cheer her up as much as I can. Yesterday she was crying because she couldn't find my shoes, so I ran over to her and gave her the BIGGEST KISS in the WORLD. That made her laugh again. I don't like it when Mummy is sad; it's much nicer when she's happy and smiling.

We didn't go out for nearly FOUR WHOLE DAYS when we first came here. I didn't like this. I like to be able to go out and explore. Mummy said we couldn't go out. I don't know why- Mummy had the keys to go outside, so why couldn't we? I tried to explain this to her by taking the keys and putting them in my bag. This made Mummy sad again. Mummy said she felt "guilty", but this is another one of those words that I'm not entirely sure about. NNB is behaving normally though. NNB IS SO MUCH FUN! I've missed him a lot. Don't tell Mummy, but I think I prefer NNB to her at the moment. She's broken right now. She might look like my mummy, but she isn't acting like my mummy.

NNB disappeared for a while, during our holiday. Mummy said he was "working". Mummy was REALLY weird when he left. She heard someone knock on the door and wouldn't answer it. She was all weird and shaky. The last time she did this was the last day we were at our house. Mummy didn't get dressed ALL DAY. She just lay in bed, and kept crying and asking for cuddles. Maybe that's why we went on holiday? I don't know. Someone knocked on the door then. I went to answer it, like I always do, but Mummy said no. She was talking really quietly, so I went over and sat on her lap so I could hear her better, and she gave me a big cuddle, and put her hand over my mouth and told me we had to be quiet like mice. The person at the door put something through the letter box. And then they knocked on the window. Mummy was shaking again. I got the leaflet for her- it said it was the police & that Mummy needed to call them because she was a "victim". Mummy started crying again when she saw that. Mummy says she didn't call the police; she says she doesn't know who called the police. She still hasn't spoken to the police. NNB says she tried to, but every time she calls, she goes all weird and shaky again. I don't like Mummy like this.

Mummy isn't sleeping at the moment. I thought this sounded REALLY fun, so I've been trying to stay awake with her too. She says I can't though. I don't understand why- if Mummy doesn't have to sleep, why do I have to? Sometimes she tricks me; she gives me a big hug, and pretends that we're dancing. Mimsy used to do this to me, and it always made me fall asleep when I was small, but Mummy could never do it. She's learnt how to now though- sneaky Mummy! I like it when Mummy rocks me to sleep. It makes me feel safe. Mummy says she doesn't feel safe. I think that's why Mummy doesn't want to go home right now. She said it's not home anymore. She says it's changed. I don't know why it's changed though, it looked the same as it always did on the day that we left? (Although it was a little bit messier- Mummy hadn't cleaned because of staying in bed, and I was on a RAMPAGE.)

We've been doing loads of fun things on holiday. We've watched lots and lots of films (these mainly make Mummy cry); we've been to the library and got lots of books which was REALLY fun- one of the people in the books has the same name as me! We went to the cinema too, which was AMAZING! I had a HUGE bag of buttons, and Mummy said I was the best behaved baby in the whole world. I really liked the cinema. I've done some art on the wall (Mummy was not impressed by this...). We've been having two baths a day (which is THE BEST THING EVER), although we do baths weirdly here... Mummy says it's something to do with the boiler, but this is another word I don't understand. We have to pretend we're making a coffee 7 times and then pour the water into the bath- IT'S SO MUCH FUN! We let the hamsters run round in their balls last night. Puss cat thought this was a fun game too. One of the balls broke, and the hamster was playing with the puss cat on the floor. Mummy and NNB seemed to get really freaked out about this, and started running round like headless chickens. I'm not sure why, the hamster and the puss cat seemed to be having a lovely play together! Mummy and NNB said this wasn't allowed though, so they put the hamsters back into their cage, and said they're not allowed to go back into the balls until we get new ones. 

Yesterday, Mummy said it was time that we started looking for a new nursery for me because she needs to go and do important grown up Mummy things again soon. She called up lots of nurseries and we're going for a visit to some of them on Wednesday. This is going to be so much fun- I've really missed seeing all my friends every day. Mummy's phone has been ringing a lot lately. She doesn't answer it though. She says it's the Bad Man and we shouldn't answer the phone. Mummy answered the phone yesterday. The phone said "No Caller ID", and Mummy said it was probably one of the nurseries calling us back about a visit.

I don't think it was a nursery.

Mummy went all quiet and threw the phone on the floor. NNB had to turn the phone off for her.

I really don't understand what's happening with Mummy right now.

Mummy says we're going to the Doctors today. She says it's not about my feet again though, this time it's about her. She says she needs to go and talk to the Doctor so that she can start to be like my mummy again. She says the Doctor might be able to fix her. I really hope so. I want my mummy back.

Thursday, 14 July 2016

The One With The Lack Of Consent? (28 months + 3 days)

If this post is slightly disjointed; forgive me. 

This evening, Thursday 14th July, I was supposed to be going for a drink with the local members of the Liberal Democrat party. It was a bit of like a "meet-and-greet" for new members to get to say hi to everyone and get to know others involved with the party. I was really excited about it. Nervous, but excited.

Today started with a much appreciated 5am wake up call from Piglet (these are becoming evermore the norm). Piglet soon settled back to sleep (diddy related issues- you can leave four in her cot and she still somehow manages to lose them all), however I was wide awake.

I had a productive morning. Insanity (almost onto recovery week! WOOOO!), lots of cleaning, immaculate hair and make up (this is a rarity- I was impressed with myself), and a cheeky bit of book writing, (pre-order it HERE HERE HERE), before re-awakening the baby and getting her ready for the day. We were meeting NNB at 10am as he was getting the keys for his new flat today and had asked for our help in moving some of the things over, and then afterwards we were going to have brunch.

It was actually a really lovely morning. NNB's new flat is ridiculous; it's got 570376057052 rooms, 19 floors, and enough space for a family of 542. Excessive is an understatement (Part of me is a teeny tiny bit jealous. Part of me remembers how hellish it was to live with him, and I do not envy having to clean that place). Brunch was equally pleasant. Several comical things happened. But they're not relevant here. 

The builder was coming round in the afternoon to do some more work to the bathroom and drop off a TV stand for me. He called just after brunch to check times and things, and said he'd pop round between 3:30-4:00pm. Piglet and I helped NNB move a few more things, and then went home to wait for the builder. Wiggle worked on her own building skills with her duplo whilst I continued with book writing (I'm really enjoying it at the moment actually. It's been really interesting revisiting everything, and reflecting upon things).

3:30 arrived- no sign of builder. 4:00 arrived- still no sign of builder. To be honest, I was kind of hoping he wouldn't turn up. When I first met the builder, I really liked him. I thought he was really nice. And then things started to take a turn for the weird. So, I've already mentioned the offer of topless bar work (could just be genuinely trying to help?). He was also the person who mentioned that he could put me in touch with someone about escorting. 

Should have been seeing red flags at this point, maybe? He talked about it quite a bit, actually. How much you can make, how it's easy money, everyone does it, really safe, really simple to do, really flexible.... Honestly, as a salesman, builder is pretty good. I'd said in my previous post I was contemplating it. 

Things get a little bit weirder. So, the last time he'd been round, when he left he asked if he could give me a hug. Which I thought was a bit odd, but ok? Like yeah, sure. Mates. Hugs. Whatever. At which point, he lifted my top to look at my stomach, and was like "oh my god, you're so skinny, I'm going to break you!" Again. Weird. But right. Some boundary issues there. No touching in future. Got it. 

When he called me yesterday (a phone call which lasted almost an hour btw....) he got really inappropriate on the escorting front. I said I still wasn't sure. He started asking really intrusive personal questions. Would I be happy to do x,y,z? He said they might need me to prove I can do it by sending some "nude photos"- he would be happy to pass them along for me, or even to take them.

Yesterday freaked me out. So yeah, I was hoping that he wouldn't turn up.

At 4:20pm he called me. And said he was running a bit late, and would be there at 5pm. Maybe I should have put him off. But he'd said the job would only take 2 minutes, so I figured I would have plenty of time to make it for my drink with the lib dems.

The job did take 2 minutes, he was right about that. However the time he spent at my flat was over an hour and a half. 

If I tell you that the builder kissed me, would you be surprised? Would you be shocked? Would you be angry?

What if I told you that I repeatedly said no, and tried to push him away, and he continued to do so?

What if I was a bit more descriptive in my language? "Kissed" can be considered quite vague I suppose.

The builder stuck his tongue down my throat whilst pushing himself against me, grabbing my arse, pulling my top up and putting his hand into my bra. Repeatedly. And I said no. Repeatedly.

And I froze. I was scared. He's a lot older than me. He's a lot bigger than me. I was alone with Piglet. Every  time I said no he just said to stop being silly. I wanted him to leave. I just wanted him to stop touching me and get out. 

It's my fault really, I suppose. I had liked him as a person- maybe this had been misconstrued? I clearly wasn't assertive enough- maybe I should have screamed, maybe I should have shouted, maybe I should have told him to get out. But I didn't, I froze.

I kept telling him I had to go and check on Piglet, and he kept saying he could see her, she was fine. I had to get her more milk, I said; I needed to make her tea; I needed to do x,y,z. Eventually he left. And he called me within two minutes of driving away to "thank me for a wonderful evening".

"I'd had a really stressful day, and it was just what I needed. I'm sure I've passed a lot of that stress onto you now though"

That phrase to me, insinuates that he knew I didn't want to. He knew I wasn't being playful, he knew I meant no. Irregardless of tone, no SHOULD mean no. But I didn't have a playful tone anyway, I was saying no. Maybe he knew exactly what he was doing all along. He's been sending me texts all evening. I've ignored them. He said he wants to take me to dinner this Saturday; he wants to take me away for a weekend to go shopping. Maybe he doesn't think anything is wrong. 

This is not the first occasion that I have been touched without giving consent; nor is it the most serious of these occasions. In fact, it's one of the milder instances. It's probably been the most sobering though. I've never felt so much like a child in my adult life. 

I feel guilty. I feel ashamed. I feel like I have been groomed, for want of a better term. And I feel that it was my fault. I haven't even mentioned that he's married yet, have I? I am no escort. I am no sugar baby. I feel dirty and I feel cheap. And I am reminded that I am in a very vulnerable position right now; irregardless of how many times I say "I am a strong, independent woman".

I almost ate 15 cookies this evening. But I stopped myself. Always look for the positives.