Friday, 25 March 2016

The One With An Ending And A Beginning (24 months + 2 weeks)

There are many titles this post could have had:

"The One With The Big Reveal"
"The One Where I Break Someone's Heart"
"The One Where I Finally Come Clean"
"The One Where I Did Warn You That I'm A Psychopathic Bitch Whore Didn't I?"
"The One Where I Can't Help The Way I Feel"

..."The One Where I'm Just Not Ready To Talk About It Yet"

In fact, really, I probably should have picked the last one. That sums up how I'm feeling right now. I'm just not ready to talk about it yet. 

Remember NNB? I can't really remember how much I have said about him recently. NNB my "saviour", NNB who was so wonderful with Piglet, so good to me, and just generally an incredibly nice man? I haven't written my "catch-up" post yet- mainly because it involves divulging a lot of information that I'm just not ready to talk about yet- but Piglet and I moved in with NNB. We'd pretty much been living together since last October but only made it properly official in December/January. That was when I got rid of my flat. When we moved in with NNB I believed it was what I wanted. I thought it made sense. I thought that...it was right.

It was good. For a while. I could say a lot on the matter but I'm just not ready to talk about it yet

The 18th March 2016 began like any normal day in the NNB-Bones-Piglet household. NNB got ready for work. I got Piglet ready for nursery. I gave them both a kiss and told them that I loved them. And they left.

And whilst my boyfriend took my baby to nursery, and went to work, and did all the normal things that happen on a Monday, I began to pack mine and Piglet's belongings. And then I did the two things that I do best:

I wrote. And I ran.

NNB returned that evening to a half empty flat, and a letter.

I thought that letter was going to be the hardest thing I would ever have to write but it came surprisingly easily. I can't remember exactly what I said- or maybe I can but I'm just not ready to talk about it yet. I can't really remember much of the specifics of the day in all honesty. But to paraphrase: I'm sorry, I love you but this isn't what I want. I'm just not happy.

I called nursery and informed them that nobody else is to collect Piglet other than me from now on. And when I brought Piglet home, it was to a new home. Another one.

This all probably seems very sudden. And it was in some respects. There were events leading up to me leaving that I could use to explain my actions but I'm just not ready to talk about them yet.

So, once again we are Team Mummy Piglet. I am having to re-learn the art of the single mother (although one could argue that description is not strictly true- but I'm just not ready to talk about that yet).

I have spoken to NNB since we left. He is hurt. And angry. Which I understand. He wants to talk. I didn't think it was a good idea- I'm just not ready to talk about it yet, I said. However, I have agreed to meet with him on Monday. I would like to be his friend. I would like for him to continue to see Piglet if he so wishes. She adored him, and I wouldn't want to deprive her- or him- of the bond that they have struck up.

Piglet is fine. She's a resilient little thing- I suppose she's had to be. She is her normal cheerful (stubborn, cheeky) self. She's such a strong little girl. I'm sure she misses him though. Definitely misses the cat (wanders round the new flat- "Cat? Cat?"; "No Piglet, the cat isn't here. We had to say bye bye to cat"; "Ooh, cat"). I've tried to explain as much as I can to her but I'm not sure how much she understands. She must be so confused.

I feel....everything. I'm shocked by my range of emotions. I am happy. I am excited (something which I have not felt for an incredibly long time). I am sad. I am guilty. I am...fine. I will be fine. I'm making plans. I'm looking at going back to chemistry now that the self-appointed gap yah is coming to a close, and that excites me. I've got the marathon next month and that excites me. I'm independent again- and that really excites me.

At one time I would have liked things to work with NNB. And I really did think that they were going to. The problem is that I'm just not ready yet.

So, now we have a new beginning. Another one.

One day I will reveal all that happened. All that was done. And the story will make a lot more sense.

I'm just not ready to talk about it yet.


Friday, 11 March 2016

The One Where I Whisper (2 years)

I could start this post in a number of ways. I could apologise for having been away so long; I could tell you all about the post I had written last month giving you all an incredibly explicit insight into my life as it has been; I could tell you how I did not publish that post on the advice of my mother; I could recap bits and pieces of various events that have been going on...

I am not going to do any of these things. Not just yet. I have lots to say. I have been silenced for a long time. It may not have been an implicit instruction, but... How do I explain this? When I write I am honest. Recently I have not been able to write honestly. No. Recently I have not been able to PUBLISH honestly. At present I still can't. Soon I will be able to. There is a lot happening. A lot of change. A lot of feeling scared. A lot of feeling vulnerable. But- I'm welcoming these feelings. It's good to feel. It's good to experience different emotions. It is HEALTHY. Right now I am very very VERY excited about things that are hopefully coming to fruition soon- and that is something that I haven't been able to say for.... well, for what seems like forever.

So, instead of all of the aforementioned things (some of which I'm sure you're dying to hear- although I'm sure that many of you will dramatically change your view of me when you learn them), I shall give you this:

TWO

Today, my baby is two;
And I don't know what to do
(alright guys- just bear with me, it's been a while)

Uhm...
Alright, let's start over:

Piglet is two today;
Yet, here we cannot stay
(NOPE, no good either- stop it Bones)

God's sake man. Right. I've got it.

Piglet. You are my Autumn.
You changed my life you see;
Green leaves turning to amber,
Falling from the trees

Piglet. You are my Winter.
My festive cheer and joy;
The prospect of Santa looming,
Armed with sacks of toys

Piglet. You are my Spring.
Even more change in the air...

Oh my God. This is awful. Piglet, I am sorry. Mummy has lost the ability to write. It's all turned into utter rubbish.

Piglet, you turned two today. Your birthday was not as I had planned it. Far from how I had intended it to be, in fact. But you enjoyed it. At least the parts when I saw you. And I was so glad. I felt blessed to be able to witness you being so happy (seriously- trampoline. GENIUS idea Bones. GOOD WORK). It was beautiful. Truly beautiful. We're going to have some changes soon. Big changes. And if what I have decided to do upsets you at all then I am truly sorry. I think we'll be ok though. I held off on altering things for a long time because I worried that you would struggle but recently, I think as long as we have each other we'll be fine.

My problem, really Piglet, is that I love you too much. I never thought I would say that. Never thought I would love someone too much. Never thought I would be so attached to someone.

You're two today, Piglet. And you're perfect.

For everyone reading this rambling mess of rubbish poetry and emotion- I am aware this makes no sense. I just felt the need to write.

I have lots to say. I have been silenced for a long time. I cannot talk.

But I can whisper.